Push, Pull
by Eunike
Summary: Every time Severus reaches out for Lily, he ends up pushing her further away from him. SS/LE
1. Spring

**Push, Pull**

_by Eunike_

* * *

**Chapter I - Spring**

**-**

"Do you know what's the one thing I've never liked about Hogwarts? Houses. Ask me why."

"Why?"

"Well, think about it. We're divided into four different groups based on our personality traits as soon as we get here. The Professors encourage us to compete against each other by forcing House pride down our throats since first year. School traditions like Quidditch games, and the House cup practically demand us to treat each other as enemies. Don't you think this school would be a better place if there were no Houses, and we'd all just have to learn to tolerate each other, as annoying as we all are?"

"Maybe. But it's a tradition. It's what the Founders wanted."

"So what? Traditions are meant to be overthrown by better ideas. Just look at us - aren't we breaking the holy unwritten law of inter-house fraternizing? Slytherins and Gryffindors aren't supposed to be best friends. If we hadn't met before we got here, I bet we'd barely even know each other. And that would be a terrible shame, because I greatly enjoy humiliating you at chess."

Severus Snape shrugged. He imagined a world where he would have to share a dormitory with James Potter and Sirius Black, and shuddered at the mere thought. Still, he looked at Lily and smiled. That was one of the things he loved about her - her tireless attempts to make the world a better place, one piece at a time.

Lily Evans had always been beautiful. Severus still remembered what she had looked like when he had first laid his eyes on her. Petite, freckled, green-eyed, and enchanting, she had been the prettiest girl he had ever seen. After turning fifteen, however, she had truly began to blossom, having suddenly crossed the invisible barrier between childhood and adolescence. It wasn't her looks alone Severus had secretly fallen in love with. It was everything about her - her sense of humour, her smile, her sharp wit, her spirit, and the fact that she was the only person in the world who truly understood him. Lately, it had been exceedingly difficult for Severus to be near her without having to battle the constant urge to kiss her. From time to time, he attempted to do something to finally make her his, but he always got cold feet at the last minute. He swore to himself that one day he would find the courage to tell her how he really felt, but until then, he enjoyed the privilege of being her best friend - that alone made James Potter envy him with passion.

"Speaking of humiliating a certain someone, last one at the greenhouse does an erotic dance in front of the entire class!" Lily shrieked mischievously and sprinted away gracefully like a gazelle. Severus ran after her, chasing the girl down the hill until he reached her. Grinning, she tugged him by the back of his cloak when he managed to take the lead, only causing him to trip over and take her down with him, as he clenched her shoulder for support. Before they knew it, they were tumbling down the grassy hill tangled in each other's limps and clothes. Somewhere between rolling down the steep and landing near the Forbidden Forest, their race had seamlessly merged into a playful wrestling match. Exhausted by all the running and laughing, Severus no longer had the strength - nor the will - to resist when Lily mounted him and pressed his hands to his sides, letting out a triumphant "Aha!" as a sign of victory.

"Victory! Sweet, sweet victory! So chess isn't the only game I'm bound to beat you at," Lily grinned, bringing her face close to his, "You're lucky you don't have me as an enemy."

Severus could barely hear what she was saying. With grass stuck on her red hair, her emerald eyes piercing him, and the warmth of her body pressed against his lap, she just might have been the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. And she was so close, just inches away from his face, that all the air around him was filled with her sweet scent. If there ever was a perfect moment for him to go on and kiss her, this would be it. However, before he managed to turn his thoughts into actions, Lily unmounted him and threw herself on the grass next to him, still laughing and breathing heavily.

"You ran fast," she remarked.

"I really, really wanted to see that dance," he said honestly. She gave a sound that was something between a disapproving grunt and a giggle, and smacked his shoulder playfully. Then she sat up, resting her hands and chin on her knees, smiling at her own thoughts with the golden afternoon sun shining at her face.

Severus sat up next to her, trying to guess what she was thinking. He still hadn't given up on his plan to kiss her. This was the right moment; he could feel it as burning, exciting sensation that got stronger with every beat of his heart. He bit his lip nervously, wondering if he should catch her by a surprise while she was still lost in her own thoughts, or whether it would be better to wait for her to look at him and see if those magnificent green eyes of hers would return the feelings that burned inside his.

Suddenly, a small group of Ravenclaw boys passed them by, ruining Severus's plans by catching Lily's attention. One of the boys - whom Severus recognized as a member of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team - smiled knowingly at Lily, completely ignoring Severus. Severus instantly shot a glare at Lily, who beamed at the boy.

"He asked me out," Lily uttered, nodding at the boy, and gave a mysterious smirk.

Severus blinked twice and gave a little twitch, as though he had just been pricked with a small needle. Why had she said that? Because she liked the Ravenclaw boy, or because she had declined the invitation, thinking he had been a fool to even ask her? Severus desperately wanted to believe in the latter idea, but could not help but feel as though the blood in his veins had suddenly turned cold. Why had Lily shared this particular piece of information with him in the first place? A depressing thought occurred to him: if Lily was perfectly comfortable with telling him about the boys she liked, didn't it suggest that she did not consider Severus to be among them? Did she even know about his feelings for her? Couldn't she feel it?

"Oh no!" said Lily, slapping her forehead, "You know what I just realized? We forgot to finish our race!"

With that, she gave a musical laughter, climbed up on her feet, and ran to the greenhouse.

"Looking forward to that dance!" she shouted, glancing over her shoulder, and gave him a charming smile.

But Severus could not bring himself to laugh at her jokes anymore. Without knowing it, she'd broken something very fragile inside of him. He had always known that there might come a day when he would have to stand aside and watch as Lily fell for someone else, unable to compete against boys who were so much better than he could ever be. Lately he had been telling himself that he had nothing to be afraid of - that Lily was immune to the charm of other boys because deep down inside she cared about him as much as he cared about her - but even then a part of him had known that he was lying to himself. He could not keep on pretending that he was the only person in the world who saw how beautiful she was, or that she wasn't aware of her popularity and charm. One day she would ask herself what on earth was she doing with Severus when she could have any boy she wanted, and Severus would not know what to do,

During the next few days, Severus wallowed in self-pity and frustration, doing his best to avoid Lily. He refused to talk to her between classes, pretended not to notice when he saw her waving at him in the Great Hall, and hid from her in the Slytherin common room.

"Is everything alright, Sev?" she eventually asked him during Potions, "You look so angry all the time. Was it something I said?"

"No," he lied, stirring his brew mechanically.

"I can't apologize if you won't tell me what ticked you off," she continued diplomatically, trying to force him to look at her. Severus gave a vague shrug, carefully pretending to find chopping slugs for his potion more interesting than listening to her.

"Fine," snapped Lily coolly, "If this is the way it's going to be, don't expect me to grovel at your feet begging for forgiveness I'm not sure I even need!"

The bell rang, and she stormed off angrily.

--

_Mudblood._

It was just one little word. He had simply slipped it in the heat of the elaborate, cruel prank he had become a victim of, and now Severus had viciously insulted the one person he never meant to hurt. This was not what he had wanted. He didn't even think of Lily as an ordinary Muggle-born - she was much better than that, much better than anyone he knew. But all the jealousy he had felt since she had expressed mild interest in another boy - despite the fact that the single date she had had with the Ravenclaw boy had never resorted into anything serious - and the horror that had filled him when he had found out that the famous James Potter fancied her - even though she had assured him that she detested Potter as much as he did - and the anger he had felt when Potter and his gang had humiliated him in front of the entire school had boiled up inside of him, until he somehow ended up hurting Lily, who had only tried to defend him. He had never regretted anything so much in his life.

Severus had tried to apologize. He had followed her after the incident as soon as he had realized what a horrible mistake he had made, but she had refused to listen to him. He had spent the rest of the day standing behind the portrait hole of the Gryffindor Tower, demanding to see her. She had come to him, eventually, only to inform him that their friendship had ended, deaf to his pleas for forgiveness. He had lost her, perhaps for good.

Severus and Lily had had their rows before. Sometimes the other would spend days not talking to the other, but in the end they always settled their differences. This was different; Severus had hoped that in a matter of days Lily would forgive him like usual, but her anger did not seem to cool down. She avoided him restlessly, never appearing in places their paths might meet without a friend so that he would not dare to approach her. She even changed seats in the classes they shared to maintain her distance to him.

Severus would have rather presented his underwear to the entire student body of Hogwarts twice a day, and spent the rest of his life listening to his parents arguing than fallen out with Lily. He deeply regretted that he had alienated himself from her earlier out of jealousy for someone she didn't even care about. Now he wouldn't have given a damn if she dated the entire Ravenclaw Quidditch team, as long as she would have still been friends with him. The only thing worse than the thought of seeing her falling for somebody else was the reality of not having her as a part of his life at all.

And then, on a miserable spring afternoon, he caught James Potter trying to make a move on her, and her not instantly rejecting him with disgust. Potter was certainly taking his chance to approach Lily now that she no longer hung around with Severus, and lately it had seemed to Severus as though Lily was beginning to warm up to his pathetic attempts to win her over. One day Severus even spotted her giggling at some stupid prank Potter and his band of dimwitted friends had performed, despite the fact that she had used to loathe them. Never before had Severus had to fight a greater urge to cast the Cruciatus curse on Potter and see his arrogant, spectacled face twist with horrible pain.

Perhaps it was his hate for Potter combined with his love for Lily that eventually gave him the courage to pursue her forgiveness for one last time. It was the night before the last day of school - the last chance for Severus to rekindle his friendship with Lily before summer. He stalked her like a shadow all day long, waiting for a chance to confront her somewhere they could be alone together, but her closest Gryffindor friend - a petite, black-haired witch called Matilda Abbott - would not leave her side for a moment. It wasn't until late at night when the two friends finally parted, as Lily headed to the bathrooms while Matilda continued to the Gryffindor Tower.

Severus watched as Abbott's back drifted behind the corner, took a deep breath, and quickly followed Lily to the bathroom. She was standing alone in front of the mirror, dabbing her face with a small towel, when she suddenly saw his approaching image reflected in the mirror.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, startled, turning around on her heels, "You're not allowed - "

"We need to talk," Severus insisted.

Lily narrowed her eyes.

"There's nothing to talk about," she said sharply, "I thought I already made my point clear. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, and I definitely don't want to listen to you!"

"That's not fair, Lily!" he cried out, "You can't just pluck me out of your life because of one little mistake!"

"One little mistake? One _little_ mistake?" Lily repeated, upset, and gave a joyless laughter, "You called me a -"

"It was an accident!" he cut her out, "You know I didn't mean it!"

"Maybe you didn't mean to call me a Mudblood," Lily said seriously, "But you would insult any other Muggle-born without remorse. You don't even think there's anything wrong with it! And how about your friends? I suppose your beloved _Mulciber_ and _Rosier_ have never referred to me as a Mudblood? That's the problem. That's not one little mistake, but a series of huge ones - no, it's a whole ideology based on everything that's wrong with this world, and you support it. How are we supposed to be friends when you're obviously spending your spare time ridiculing and hurting people like me?"

"And how about your friends?" said Severus darkly. He chose not to adress her accusations, "Having fun with your new little friend _Potter_? You look like you're having fun."

For a split second, Lily looked confused. Then her cheeks turned pink with either fury or embarrassment, and she strode off angrily.

"I'm not staying here for another pointless argument!" hissed she.

"No, wait!" begged Severus, "I'm sorry! Would you please just listen to what I have to say?"

Lily stopped, her back faced to him. She took a deep breath, and then gazed at him poisonously.

"Fine, then," she said icily, "Spit it out. Then we can both leave and do something useful with our time."

Severus forced himself to calm down and opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly he thought he heard a noise coming from the door, and instinctively pulled Lily by the arm into an empty cubicle, shutting the door behind her.

"Is this really necessary?" she asked, annoyed. They were standing face to face in the cramped, small cubicle - which, on a close inspection, was certainly not designed for two - on either sides of the toilet bowl, so close to each other that neither of could make the smallest movement without violently poking the other one in a sensitive place.

"Look, I'm really sorry. More sorry than you could ever imagine. What else can I say?" he said, gathering himself, "I never, ever wanted to hurt you. If there was one moment I could erase from my past, that would be it. And it had nothing to do with Potter, and what he did to me. I would rather have Potter spin me around in the air every day of the year than to upset you."

Lily bit her lip.

"That's what you said the last time we talked. Remember what I told you back then? You've made your choice, and I've made mine."

"No, you've made the choice of pretending that I don't exist. I didn't choose that. I can't pretend that you don't exist."

"That's not your decision to make."

"It's not yours either. We've been friends for years! Don't you think I deserve better than to be discarded like a piece of garbage? Don't you miss me even half as much as I miss you?"

Lily looked impressed. Perhaps she was as surprised to hear him admitting that he missed her as he was to discover he had actually had the courage to do so.

"Of course I miss you," she said, frustrated, "I miss our conversations. I miss our jokes. I miss you during Potions. I miss your company. But I don't miss your friends, I don't miss your ideals, I don't miss your Death Eater aspirations, and I don't miss making up an excuse after another to convince myself that you have not become what I think you've become. I'm sorry, but I can't be your friend when I no longer know who you are. Now step aside."

She tried to leave, but Severus threw his arm between her and the door. Then, without giving it another thought, he pressed her body against the wall, and his lips tightly against hers.

If there had ever been a worse moment to kiss her, Severus could not remember it. Packed inside a small cubicle, after an intense argument, on the verge of bitter goodbyes, the conditions couldn't have been any less romantic, yet he somehow finally gave in for his heart's desire, and did the one thing he'd been longing to do ever since he had first seen her, running across the street he lived in as a young child.

Lily did not resist him, but he could tell that the kiss had caught her by a surprise. He kissed her long and hard, as long as he could hold his breath, and by the end of it he was certain that he felt her gently responding to the kiss. When he finally stopped and looked at her, she appeared to be more confused and bewildered than angry or embarrased. This gave him hope; if she truly felt nothing for him, surely she would have slapped him, or blushed awkwardly. Guided by his senses, he brought his hand close to her face, brushed her smooth cheek with the back of his hand, and wordlessly told her everything she needed to know about his feelings for her with one intense look. He had done everything he could. Now it was Lily's time to act, whether she wanted him or not.

Lily stared at him like a goldfish - eyes round, opening and closing her mouth on a regular basis, but not a single word would pass through her lips.

"Sev, I..." she began, "I don't know what to do..."

Suddenly, a sound came from the door, and the voice of Matilda Abbott called Lily's name.

"Lily? Lily? Did you fall asleep there?"

Lily, still looking into Severus's eyes, appeared to be torn between the two people waiting for her reply. He took her by the hand, and mouthed "_Don't go_" .

"No, I'm fine. I'll be right over!" said Lily loudly. Then she tore herself away from his grasp and walked out, avoiding his eyes. He wanted to run after her, grab her, tear her back to the toilet and force her to give him the answer he wanted to hear, but found himself freezing, unable to obey his heart. The two girls left, and he was, yet again, all alone.


	2. Summer

**Chapter II - Summer**

**-**

It took nearly two months before Severus got a chance to speak to Lily again. He had not been able to reach her again at Hogwarts after the night he had kissed her. On the train back home, she had not seated herself next to him, like usual. Instead, she shared her compartment with a couple of her female friends from Gryffindor - and James Potter. The sight alone had made Severus hex the first innocent Gryffindor first-year he happened to pass by out of sheer anger.

Back home, he eagerly waited for Lily to come to him. Afraid that he would frighten her away, he decided to let her make the next move, but when a whole day went by with no sight of her, he found himself knocking feverishly on her door.

"They're away," said the next-door-neighbor, an old Muggle lady who was tending roses in the garden right next to the front door of the Evans' household, "I believe they've gone on a vacation. France, I think. I saw them leave yesterday."

Severus frowned.

"Do you know when they'll be back?" he asked, reluctantly. He didn't particularly enjoy talking to Muggles. The woman shrugged.

That was the last time he tried to contact Lily again that summer. If she honestly wanted nothing to do with him, he reckoned it was only fair and reasonable that he stopped caring about her as well. He tried to distract himself of all thoughts of her by focusing on studying, browsing through whole stacks of books about Dark Arts he had secretly borrowed from Avery. Nevertheless, he found his thoughts drifting back to her from time to time, whenever he took a break from fantasizing about using all the new curses he'd taught himself on Potter. He wondered if Lily would like him more if he became powerful enough to make Potter pay for every little humiliation Severus had had to endure.

As of early August, his mother Eileen went away to take care of her old aunt Griselda for a couple of weeks, leaving Severus home alone. Without either of his parents or Lily around, Severus sought cure for his depressing solitude by exchanging occasional letters with his friend Mulciber. Still, he felt lonelier than ever. Sometimes he would walk by Lily's window to see if she had returned, but the house remained empty throughout July. Eventually, he gave up on trying.

Then, on a rainy evening in August, Lily came back.

Severus had spent most of the day outside, gathering herbs and roots for his potions, returning home at nightfall when it started to rain heavily. He hurried inside and was just about to take off his soaking wet cloak, when he suddenly had a strange feeling that he was not alone. His suspicions were confirmed when he realized that someone had broken the front door, and left a track of muddy footprints that lead upstairs. Drawing out his wand, he crept upstairs, following the footprints to his own room at the attic. Taking a deep breath, he flung the door open with one swift thrust of his arm, and pointed his wand at the intruder, only to find himself face to face with Lily, who was sitting on his bed looking miserable. She, too, had apparently been caught by the rain; her red hair was dripping in water, and she was stirring slightly, hugging herself for warmth. She looked rather like an overgrown little girl, dressed in a short skirt and an over-sized gray jumper that covered most of her upper body. She looked upset, or frightened - Severus couldn't tell which.

"How did you get in here?" he asked, lowering his wand.

"The door was open," she replied casually, "After I kicked it in. Sorry. I'll fix it later. I was waiting for you outside, and then it started to rain."

He didn't mind - he was so overwhelmed with joy to finally see her face again that he couldn't have cared less about a broken lock. Then he remembered he was still mad at her for not even trying to contact him since their bathroom incident, faking indifference to hide his excitement.

"I thought you were still in France," he uttered coolly.

"'Tuney, mum, and dad were," she replied, "They came back last week. I was at Matilda Abbott's while they were there. She lives at Godric's Hollow. I came home two days ago."

Severus gave her a dark glare. Why hadn't she told him? Why had she kept him in the dark after what had happened between them?

"What are you doing here, then?" he asked, taking off his cloak and placing the herbs he had collected in the cabinet behind him.

"I wanted to see you," she said, "There's something I need to say. I would have come to talk to you sooner, but I was at Matilda's throughout July."

"You could have tried writing," he grumbled.

"I did," said she honestly, "But it just didn't feel right. Especially since I kept changing my mind about what I wanted to say."

"Fine. Talk," he said bluntly.

Lily, who had seemed rather calm when he had arrived, narrowed her green eyes into slits and sprang up from the bed, striding to him as though she was seriously planning on hitting him.

"Do you think this is fun? Do you think I'm enjoying this, shutting you away and forgetting we were ever friends?" she cried out, bringing her face dangerously close to his, "Don't you even realize how lonely it's been without you?"

"But you haven't been that lonely, have you?" he sneered, "Not with Potter constantly tailing you wherever you go. I've seen you two together."

Lily turned pink.

"Don't start again! It's none of your business, and it has got nothing to do with this!" she hissed.

"Why are you even yelling at me? You're the one who decided to play enemies with me!" he yelled.

"I've told you! I've told you a hundred times!" she shouted hotly, her face glowing as red as her hair, "I hate the company you keep! I hate the things you do when I turn my back! I hate it that I can't trust you! I hate your thoughts about blood purity, your admiration for You-Know-Who, and the way you despise Muggles! I hate to see you hexing and cursing other people like everyone in the world was your enemy! I hate having to simply wait for the day you decide to turn on me, too! And I hate having to repeat myself because you never listen to anything I have to say!"

She leaned her back against the wall, sighing. "I'm scared of you," she said quietly.

"But you know I'd never hurt you!" he argued.

"That's not what scares me," she said and turned to the window, staring outside in the rain, as he struggled to figure out what she had meant.

Neither of them spoke a word for a moment, during which the sound of the rain drumming on the tin roof was the only sound piercing the silence.

"Why did you have to kiss me?" she mused, "Everything would be much more simple if you hadn't. I had it all planned out, and then you ruined it with one kiss. How am I supposed to just move on and forget you now?"

It had gotten dark. Severus could no longer see her face clearly; he could only make out her silhouette against the window. She appeared to be caught in her own little world again, but did not shun him when he came closer to her, reaching out his hand to touch her shoulder. He caressed her neck gently, and buried his face in her flower-scented hair, while she still stood and stared silently out of the window. Then she responded to his gestures by turning around on her heels and pressing her forehead gently against his.

They were now so close to each other that her presence filled all of his senses. He could feel the warmth of her body pressed against him, breathe in her sweet scent, and hear the beating of her heart in the silence of the room. And then, just when he had felt her hot breath against his lips, she pressed her mouth tightly against his, and kissed him with such passion and intensity that he suddenly felt stupid for ever questioning her feelings for him. He responded - clumsily and way too fast - to her kisses, feeling her fingers slipping inside his clothes, urging him to remove them. She then pushed him on the bed, and quickly began to peel off her jumper, while he desperately tried to keep up with her. It was as though she was about to do something unpleasant but unavoidable that she wanted to get over and done with as quickly as possible. But Severus ignored this - the notion that she was doing something she might regret later - and focused on the moment, surrendering to his body's will. He wanted and needed her too badly to resist.

--

Next morning, Severus woke up alone in his bed. He could not instantly tell what time it was - it was light and cloudy outside - but it must have been way past dawn. He sat up and saw Lily, who had curled up in the chair in front of his desk, fully clothed, with her back facing him, and suddenly a lovely, warm sensation filled his insides. Last night, Lily and everything that had happened between the two of them had felt more like a dream than reality, and for a moment between sleep and the waking world Severus had wondered whether he'd simply imagined it all. Now, in the cold daylight that made even the most magical things seem perfectly normal, she couldn't have looked more real. He smirked to himself, thanking all the higher powers he didn't even believe in that she was still present.

It had been his first time. Half of the time he had been utterly lost, and she had had to walk him through the beginning until he had finally gotten the hang of what he was doing. It had been awkward, and it had been great. It had been weird, and it had been familiar. It had been the greatest night of his life.

Afterwards, they'd laid together in the darkness, listening to each other's breathing. Neither had spoken, because neither had to. Just like he had felt the blood rushing inside her veins and the beating of her heart through his own skin as though they had shared the same body, Severus had also known how Lily felt without having to ask her. Both of them had been perfectly calm, peaceful, and safe in each other's embrace, as though it was where they had been meant to be all along.

Severus Snape was a person whose everyday life was normally shadowed by the bitterness, anxiety, and anger that seemed to follow him everywhere he went. It had never even occurred to him that he didn't exactly know what it was like to be happy - to be in perfect harmony with life, himself, and the world around him - until Lily had kissed him, pressed herself against him, and made him feel like the person he had always wanted to be. There was no need for him to keep up his guard anymore, nor to pretend he was something he was not, nor to hide his true emotions. Lily was now his, and Severus was free to be himself.

Lily had not realized that he was awake. With his newly discovered cheerfulness, Severus jumped soundlessly out of his bed, snuck behind her, and did something he had always wanted to do: he snaked his arms around her waist, and pecked a playful kiss on her neck.

"Don't!" Lily shrieked angrily, releasing herself violently from his embrace, still keeping her back faced to him.

"What's wrong?" asked Severus, taken aback by her icy response.

"What's wrong?" replied Lily in a mocking tone. There was a hint of suppressed tears in her voice, "Well, firstly, I've just successfully proved myself that I'm the biggest idiot on this hemisphere. A stupid, naive, gullible fool! See? There's a nice list of new insults you and your little friends can use when 'Mudblood' gets old."

Severus glanced on his desk, and realized he'd forgotten to put away the letter Mulciber had sent him a few days earlier. It had been lying on the desk, with the sender's signature clearly visible to anyone who happened to lay their eyes on it.

"You got the wrong idea! It - it means nothing!" he insisted, tearing the letter into shreds. He tried to touch her, but she shunned him.

"Really? What a coincidence!" replied she dryly, making her way to the door as she spoke, "Because you also got the wrong idea, and this meant nothing to me either!"

She stormed off angrily, and Severus followed her.

"Lily, stop!" he shouted, eventually rushing in front of her and blocking her way. He could see her face now. She had clearly been crying - her eyes were puffy and red - but right now her facial features were twisted into a furious grimace. She narrowed her eyes and gave him a contemptuous look.

"I don't get you," she hissed, "I asked you to do only one thing. One thing! You knew what I thought about your little friends. You knew how much it hurt me to find out what you really think about me, and others like me. And you still chose them instead of me. What do you expect me to do now, other than to leave and never come back?"

"No, listen. Give me another chance -"

"You already had your chance, and you used it to make us both look like idiots. Thanks a lot. Now get out of my way before I kill you!" she snapped, forcing him to move with a violent movement of her elbow. She stalked to the door, flung it open fiercely, and ran outside in the rain. Severus tried to follow her, but upon noticing that he was still practically naked, he realized it would not be a good idea to chase her outside wearing nothing but his underwear. By the time he had ran back upstairs and put on his cloak, Lily was gone.

Lily made it very clear that she would not even listen to another attempt of an apology. Whenever Severus went to her house and asked to see her, she would send her sister Petunia to the door to inform him that Lily wouldn't even see him. She sent all the letters he wrote her back unopened, and avoided all the places they usually went together. Severus didn't see her again until the first day of school, when he found her seated cozily next to the arrogant James Potter at the Hogwarts Express. She ignored him during the classes they took together, and treated him like air when they crossed paths in the corridors. Simultaneously, she appeared to grow disgustingly close with Potter, who never missed a chance to brag and boast about his latest conquest in front of Severus.

Severus watched the two, but kept his hate to himself. He knew that James had won, and that Lily would never be his. The day he fist caught Lily and James walking hand-in-hand at Hogsmeade on a snowy afternoon was the day his daydreams about Lily were decisively replaced by fantasies about slitting Potter's throat open with a sharp razor. Years passed, Severus's hatred for Potter and everyone associated with him grew, until it began to overshadow the secret love he still harbored for Lily. Drawing his strength from his bitterness, he began to fully embrace the Dark Arts, determined to become the most feared Death Eater ever to awaken terror in his enemies, and the most loyal follower Voldemort would ever have. With no-one to hold him back, no-one to tell him no, he sank deeper into the cold darkness of his mind, swearing never to trust another person again.


	3. Winter

**Chapter III - Winter**

**- **

There was a river near Severus's childhood home, and a small bridge that crossed it. It was a secluded, forgotten place nobody but Severus seemed to visit anymore, safely hidden from the rest of the world by the dense forest. He had found the old bridge when he had been a boy, and some years later he had shown it to Lily. It had been one of their secret hideouts for many summers. Lily had stopped visiting the place after she had fallen out with Severus, but Severus himself still came to the river every now and then, whenever he needed to be alone.

It was a bleak night in early January - the eve of Severus's twenty-first birthday. He stood on the bridge and stared into the depths of the black, dirty river - which was yet to be frozen over by the cold winter nights - reflecting on everything he had gone through during the past few months. He had tortured, fought, and shed blood. He had witnessed murders without doing any effort to prevent them, and he had willingly participated in unspeakable crimes, growing darker and more fiendish by every task he performed for his Master. So much had happened within a short amount of time, so many people had died, and Severus was getting tired of the life he lead. He had come to the river to remind himself of the last time he had been truly happy, but the memories of the life he had lived only years earlier were as distant and cold as the stars on the sky, as though they were just flashes of a half-forgotten dream. The river below him faintly mirrored his pained, pale face, which he barely recognized as his own. He felt and looked so much older than just twenty-one.

Suddenly, he heard a noise coming from the edge of the forest, and it wasn't long until he saw a dark figure walking towards him through the woods. He instantly pulled out his wand and pointed it at the sound, only to lower it in awe once the stranger stepped into the cold moonlight. It was Lily.

"Severus," said Lily, surprised, and granted him a small nod. He had not seen her since their last day of Hogwarts, but he had heard a rumor that she was now living with Potter far away from the grimy town they had grown up in. She had not changed, but she looked tired. Her hair was messy and unkempt, her skin was pale, and she looked as though she had been lacking both food and sleep for days. He also remarked that there was peculiar warmth in her voice when she greeted him, as though she had forgotten that she had been systematically ignoring him since the age of fifteen.

"What are you doing here?" asked he, still unsure whether she was real, or just a vision.

"My mother just died. I came to visit home for the funeral," she said emptily, "I couldn't sleep. I decided to take walk, and ended up here. I haven't been here for years."

"I know," he replied darkly.

"Do you still come here?" asked she.

"Obviously. Not as often as I used to."

"I've missed this place. It's uglier than I remembered, but I still missed it. We wasted so many days of our childhood here," said she wistfully and ran her hand gently on the railing of the bridge, before fixing her eyes back on him, "You look awful. Are you feeling well?"

"I'm fine, thank you," he replied, though he wouldn't believe for a second that her concern about his welfare was genuine. For a split second, he considered saying something sharp and insulting to her in response, but managed to hold his tongue.

"I'm sorry about your mother," he said instead, rather coldly.

She gave him a tender look, and before he knew it, she brushed his cheek lightly with the back of her hand. His skin turned hot under her touch.

"You should get some rest. You look so pale," she said, absent-minded. Then she turned on her heels, and slowly began to walk away back to where she came from.

"Is is true that you married him?" he shouted after her. She glanced over her shoulder, and waved her hand at him as a mute response. He could see the a glimpse of gold on her left ring finger, and gave a sour wince.

"Is it true that you've got the Mark?" asked she wearily. He mirrored her wordless answer by rolling up his sleeve, revealing the skull tattoo printed on his arm.

"Well. There you have it," she replied merely, and turned her back on him.

"Lily, wait!" he yelled. Once again, a strange force seemed to possess him, giving him the strength to overcome his pride and fear to confront her. He strode to her and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her close to him.

"I want some answers!" he hissed.

"Then ask some questions," said she coolly, "I don't have any reason to lie to you. It's not like the truth is going to change anything."

"When you came to me on that summer night... was I your first?" asked he. The question had been haunting him since the night he had made love to her. Lily had seemed strangely experienced, guiding him through the act while he was utterly lost most of the time. He had gotten the impression that she, unlike him, was not doing it for the first time.

"No," she replied without a flinch.

"Was Potter your first?"

"Yes."

Once again, he briefly fantasized about violently murdering Potter.

"Then why did you even come to me, if you had already set on him? You would have saved us both the trouble of having to pretend it never happened."

She curled her lips into a joyless smile, her calmness in perfect contrast with his anger.

"You really don't know me half as well as you think you do," said she, "Or maybe it's because it's easier for you to see fault in me rather than taking a look in the mirror. Please let go of me."

Severus released her arm, and stepped away from her. She gazed at the river, and Severus instantly thought about the last time they had talked, when she had reminded him of an overgrown little girl. The Lily he was looking at now was a grown woman, who also seemed so much older than she actually was. Perhaps it was the war that forced people to grow up faster than nature had intended.

Lily gave him a dark, dirty glare.

"Listen. I am very, very, very tired," she began bitterly, "My mother just died. Two of my close friends have been killed in battle within a few months of each other. Me and my husband both live in constant danger because of what we do. I've nearly died in several occasions and frankly, it's starting to annoy me. I haven't had any sleep in two days because of this. Now, please try to bring yourself to comprehend me when I tell you that right now, I don't have the strength - nor the will - to start explaining something I did when I was fifteen, knowing that you would not understand anyways. I'm sorry that you still apparently lack the intellectual capacity to realize what went wrong, but that's not my problem. I'm sick and tired of this mess of ours, and I'm not getting in it ever again. Good night, Sev, and goodbye."

"Just tell me the truth!" he yelled, raising his wand to stop her from leaving, "I just want you to tell me what happened that summer. I just want you to tell me what you really thought of me, and why you chose him. Then you can leave, and I'll never bother you again."

Lily stared at him emptily, barely reacting to the wand he was pointing at her.

"We really should have done something about that obsessive streak of yours years ago," said she, "I'm finally starting to get how you got the reputation of being a bit of a creep. You're in serious need of therapy, Sev."

"Really? Well didn't your late mother ever teach you not to push the buttons of an obsessive creep who is holding a deadly weapon at you? Because she should have."

"Ah, he jokes," Lily gave a faint smile, "I can't remember the last time I heard you cracking a joke. It must have been a lifetime ago."

He lowered his wand. They both knew that he was not going to use it on her.

"This is useless. I might as well give you what you want and get this over and done with," she sighed, "Matilda Abbott invited me over that summer. She lived in Godric's Hollow. Turned out that James lived right around the corner, and of course he did everything he could to be around me as much as possible. You were right when you said that he fancied me. We became quite close during those weeks. I suppose he kind of grew on me, like a wart, or a non-deadly tumor. He threw a party at his place a few days before I went back home. I drank a lot. Then I slept with him. I felt terrible afterwards, but it wasn't as though I hadn't wanted it. I liked him, but I still felt guilty for sleeping with him. All because of you."

"I hated you a little bit back then," she continued after a brief pause, "It would have been easier for me to shut you out of my life if you hadn't gone on and kissed me. I didn't expect you to do it. I didn't expect myself to be so affected by it. It changed everything; thought we were just friends, and suddenly I realized we were more. I tried to get over you, but I somehow couldn't. And there I was, kissing James and hating myself because of it since all I could think about was you. My antisocial, troubled, strange Slytherin friend. What else was I suppose to do than to come over and sort the whole mess out for good? And then nothing went the way I had planned, but it felt right anyways. I didn't even think about James after we kissed, because he felt irrelevant. Everything else felt irrelevant. If someone had asked me to choose between the two of you at midnight, I would have chosen you. But in the morning I changed my mind, because I could see that you had already made up yours."

She gave a little snort and shook her head, "I'm not making much sense, am I? That's the lack of sleep talking."

Severus stared at her, crushed under his emotions. All this time he had lived under the impression that she never returned his feelings - that sleeping with him had been nothing else but a moment of temporary insanity for her. It was actually more painful to think that all this time she had longed for him as badly as he had longed for her, knowing that she had chosen James anyways.

"Then why did you choose him?" asked he, "I could have changed! I could have stopped being friends with Avery and Mulciber if you had just asked me to."

"And I would have been yours if only you had stopped spending time with them," she replied quietly, "And I did ask you not to, by the way, but you always went running back to them whenever I turned my back. How could have I trusted you knowing that you didn't value my wishes at all? You wouldn't take that step for me, so I wouldn't take that step for you. That's our problem, isn't it? Our lovely little vicious circle. You won't give up on your principles for my sake, and I won't give up mine because of you."

"I will now," he swore and grabbed her by the shoulders, bringing his face an inch away from hers, "I'll turn my back on the Dark Lord. He'll start looking for me, but I don't care. Let's go somewhere abroad, where it's safe. He won't find us."

Lily shook her head.

"It's too late, Severus," said she wearily, "I'm with James now, and I'm not going to leave him. You and I had our chance, and we blew it. "

She gently removed his hands from her shoulders, pecked a light kiss on his cheek for goodbye, and tried to leave, brushing his shoulder with hers as she passed him by. Instinctively, Severus pulled her back in his tight embrace, and began to kiss her hungrily, determined to force her stay. She responded to the kiss eagerly, curling her arms around his neck and throwing herself at him so fiercely that he had to lean against the railing of the bridge for support. He could feel the tears which had appeared in the corners of her eyes falling down on his face. He wanted to dry them all, steal her, and take her away somewhere no-one would come between them ever again.

Finally, Lily's lips stopped moving, and she pushed him away.

"No, really," she said, stroking his face tenderly, "I can't. I have to go back to James."

Once again, she began to walk away from him, descending back in the misty darkness she had appeared from.

"Lily!" Severus yelled. Suddenly, a loud cracking noise came from beneath his feet, the bridge began to tremble. He scarcely managed to leap into safety before the bridge fell apart, raining into the water in small sheds of wood. He realized he had unintentionally demolished the old bridge with his magic - something wizards occasionally did under pressure.

Severus looked up, and saw Lily standing on the other side of the river, unharmed. She looked more beautiful than ever - strong, brave, and wise, with light snow stuck on her red hair, and the moonlight reflected on her emerald eyes. If she wouldn't be his, what was the point of doing anything anymore?

"How ridiculously metaphorical," said she calmly, staring at the remains of the bridge, "We're on the opposite sides, Sev. I guess we can't break traditions after all."

"Why did you even marry him?" asked Severus, shaking his head in denial. She shrugged.

"I thought it would be the appropriate thing to do," she replied blankly, "Marrying the father of your baby."

A child! Severus felt as though he had just to swallowed something extremely sharp, and he hated James Potter more passionately than ever.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Plague on his house," she verbalized his thoughts. On that moment, Severus bitterly hated her tendency to add comedy in every imaginable situation.

"Also, I love him. I honestly do," she added seriously, "Almost as much as I love you."

She smiled feebly, took a few steps backwards, and then disapparated, as though the night had swallowed her.


	4. Autumn

**Chapter IV - Autumn**

**-**

"Then it's settled?"

"Yes, Severus. She is safe. They are all safe. I've told them to find a secluded place to hide, and a trustworthy friend to keep their secret."

The invisible rope around Severus's neck disappeared, allowing him to breathe freely for the first time in days. Lily was safe. She was going to be alright. He gave a heavy sigh, ignoring the conceited, smug half-smile which crept on Dumbledore's lips. He hated the fact that Dumbledore now knew about his greatest weakness, and would surely use it against him one day. As humiliating as it felt to to tell Dumbledore about his feelings for Lily, he had had no other choice than to turn to him. Lily was in danger, and if it took Severus to reveal his most vulnerable side to Dumbledore in order to save her, he was willing to pay the price. For her, he could have done worse.

Lily had given birth to her child - a healthy baby boy, according to the rumours. Severus had not seen her since the night at the bridge. He had not even tried to get in touch with her again; in fact, he had done everything he could to forget her. Their last meeting had left him feeling like he had been carved open. He did not wish to experience such powerlessness before one woman ever again. Hiding behind the mask of a Death Eater, Severus Snape was one of the most ruthless servants of the Dark Lord, and if he ever was to defeat all of his rivals and enemies to become as strong as he strove to be, he would have to get rid of his only weakness. He had tried to teach himself to hate Lily as much as he hated her husband, and their disgusting little newborn boy - the flesh and blood evidence that she preferred Potter. Briefly, he had thought he succeeded.

Severus had once wished for her death just to end his crippling obsession with her. He had thought that he would have rather seen her dead than lived through another day knowing that somewhere out there Lily was with Potter, partly out of her resentment for Severus. However, when he had been offered a chance to see his cruel dream become reality, everything had changed. Without hesitation, he had gone on and betrayed his master, abandoned his old beliefs - which, though, had been standing on a trembling ground for months before Voldemort had expressed his desire to murder the Potters - humbled himself in front of Dumbledore, and even reluctantly saved James Potter's life just to keep her safe. All his dreams, aspirations, and old plans had turned into dust when her life was at stake. .

"Are you sure you don't want me to inform the Potters who they are to thank for their lives?" asked Dumbledore.

"No," replied Severus. The last thing he wanted was James Potter's gratitude. The thought of having to protect the one he hated the most still made him want to do something very, very bad to something cute and defenseless.

"Not even her?"

"No," repeated Severus darkly, "I never want any of them to know."

"Then you are more noble than I thought you were. It's a pity that you leave your most selfless act go unrewarded, but perhaps that is what makes it so honourable."

"I'm the one who owes you, remember?" said Severus bluntly, "I'll listen to your cheap words of wisdom when you come back and collect your bidding, whatever it is you want from me in return. If there's nothing else I can do for you now, you might as well leave me alone."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"As you wish. But don't be surprised if the good you've made comes back to you. You're bound to receive what you give, you see. It's called karma by our Eastern friends, Severus. Perhaps it teaches you a valuable lesson."

He then made his way to the door, muttered a spell that made him invisible enough to step outside unnoticed, and flew away on his broomstick.

Severus slammed the door shut behind the old wizard. Once again he envisioned them - Lily, Potter, and the child - far away in a secret place, happy, well, and unharmed. He imagined their bright, joyful faces and the perfect future that lay ahead of them. They would survive the war, and raise their family in a peaceful world where no-one would haunt them. Lily would have more children, and she would grow even more beautiful with each one. She and Potter would have a nice home, nice children, nice pets, nice furniture, nice friends, and a nice, comfortable life. They would watch their children grow up, they would meets their friends, they would see their son Harry going to Hogwarts for the first time, they would love each other, they would grow old together, they would share every detail of their lives, and they would be happy in every sickening sense of the word. And for once, Severus would not mind, because in the end he found himself caring more about her welfare than his own happiness. So what if Potter had her instead? At least Lily would live, and she would have the happy, full life Severus had always wanted to give her.

Severus stood still in front of the door like a statue, and felt oddly calm. Was this it? Was this the closure he had been looking for? Was this the moment he could finally let Lily go and get on with his life? Or was this the selfless love Dumbledore had been talking about? He had looked death in the eyes many times in his life and remained the same, but catching a glimpse of _her_ death had turned him into something else entirely. He had gotten over himself, and risen over his own desires and needs to preserve hers. Was this inner peace the thing he had been searching for all along?

Suddenly, only minutes after Dumbledore's departure, a frantic knock came from the front door. Severus opened it and saw no-one, but felt someone elbow their way past him into the house, shutting the door before he could make another movement. And then Lily appeared out of nowhere right in front of him. She peeled off the Invisibility cloak she had been wearing with one swift movement of her hand and carelessly let it fall down at her feet.

"He told you, didn't he?" said Severus dryly.

"Actually, no," she replied, perplexed, "Well, he did give some heavy hints. He never mentioned any names, but he gave several lengthy and elaborate descriptions of an 'old friend' who had risked his life and abandoned his ideals to help us, and then he kept winking at me. So he was either trying to signal me that it was you, or he was just desperately trying to hit on me. I chose the former explanation and followed him here when he told me he was going to see the person who saved us and thank him for us."

Severus snorted. He knew Lily couldn't have followed Dumbledore without him noticing it.

"_Liar_," said Severus to himself.

"I.. don't know what to say," she began, "'Thank you' comes to mind, but there's so much more..."

She gave him a shy but inviting look. Severus purposefully ignored it.

"On the contrary of what you may think, I don't expect you to pay me back in flesh," he said coolly, "You don't owe me anything."

"I didn't suggest that!" she argued hotly.

There were a million things Severus wanted to say to Lily, and a million other things he knew Lily wanted to tell him, and yet somehow they ended up spending a whole minute in awkward silence, as though they had both temporarily lost the ability to speak.

"Wow, this would make the greatest TV-show ever. Verbally Challenged People Staring At Their Feet. Sometimes At The Floor," Lily broke the silence with her rambling, "Muggle joke. You don't get it."

"Look, Severus", she continued seriously, "Even though what you've done now proved me that you know how to surprise me, I like to think that we still know each other better than anyone else. That's why I know you can feel the extent of my gratitude, even though I don't have the words to describe it. If it means anything to you, I am forever in debt to you."

"I already told you that you owe me nothing. The important thing is that you're safe and unharmed."

"Severus..." Lily breathed, and suddenly burst into tears. Less than a second later she had pressed her head against his shoulder, and began to cry uncontrollably.

"I knew it!" she whispered between her sobs, "I knew that there would come a day when you do the right thing, because I always knew you weren't the person you tried to convince everyone you were. I've been dying to get you back, and you're finally here. You took that step."

She pulled away from him, and dabbed the corners of her eyes with her sleeve.

"You do realize that I have responsibilities as a mother, and as a wife. Harry and James need me now more than ever, and I can't just leave them. I can't take that step for you. Not now. Even if I wanted to... And I do..."

"I don't expect you to. I don't even want you to," replied Severus. This was a glaring lie; of course Severus wanted nothing more than to carry her upstairs, make love to her in every room of the house, and take her to some exotic location without giving another thought to the mess they would leave behind. It took all the strength he had in him to act as though he stood behind his words. Had he felt any less noble and selfless, he might have not been able to resist the temptation of persuading her to elope with him. However, previous experience had taught him that disastrous things happened whenever he confronted her. Every time he reached out for her, he only ended up pushing her further away from her.

"Just go home, Lily," he said, while he still could.

Lily smiled at him sadly. She then rolled up his sleeve gently, revealing the Dark Mark in her arm.

"Look at us," she said, holding her wedding ring close the the skull tattoo, "We've been branded like cattle. When did we start treating ourselves as property somebody else can claim? Weren't we supposed to be the rebels?"

"This is not who I am," said he, holding up his marked arm, "Not anymore. I've changed"

"No, you haven't," replied Lily, "You just realized who you really are. As did I."

She looked down at her ring finger.

"As a wife, I'm loyal to my husband, at least for now. As a mother, I'm always going to put my son and his needs first. But as Lily Evans, as the person I was before I was a wife or a mother, I'm always going to be your best friend, and a girl who loves you."

She kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then she picked up her cloak, and walked to the door with heavy, reluctant movements, as though she was slouching to the gallows, ready to be hanged.

"Why do I get the feeling that something terrible is going to happen to you because of this?" she whispered, and suddenly rushed back to him, "Promise me you won't do anything stupid, like die a violent death in suspicious conditions including pitchforks and hungry boars. I couldn't bear to lose you all over again."

"I promise."

"And if I come back after all this is over, will you still be here waiting for me?"

"Always."

What happened next, Severus would never remember clearly. He would recall that they had exchanged a few more words, embraced, kissed, and then Lily had left. Had he known that the first time he had bid her farewell trusting that she would return in years would in fact be the last time he ever saw her alive - that less than three days later she would die while attempting to protect her son - Severus would have breathed in every detail of her and the world where she still existed. Little had he known that by controlling his urges and nobly allowing her to return to her family, he had indirectly sent her to face her own death. The night would join his long list of things he desperately wished he could change, things he bitterly regretted, times he had watched her walk away, walk away, walk away. There were so many things he should have done differently and so many things he had left unsaid that sometimes he felt as though he was about to get crushed beneath the weight of it all. In the end, no matter how he ached, how he hoped, and how he cursed, nothing would bring her back.

--

_Severus Snape was dying._

_It had all happened very fast; the snake had dug its sharp fangs on his neck before he had had the chance to defend himself. Seconds later, he had felt the numbing venom filling his veins, and the blood dripping from his damaged neck. After the worst was over, time had seemed to slow down, and his last minutes alive began to drag on like hours._

_It was ironic that he would die in this particular moment, just when he had temporarily learned to value his life again. For well over fifteen years, he had had very little interest in living, not hesitating to play with death whenever he had the chance to do so without being accused of pointless self-destructiveness. Although he did not actively seek death, mere existence had become such an intolerable state to linger in that he would have gladly finally gotten an excuse to be liberated from it. Right now, however, he was in the middle of an elaborate plan to finally avenge a very special person's death while honoring her memory by protecting her son, and he was not quite finished yet. Potter needed to know what Dumbledore wanted him to do next, and Severus was the only one who could tell him._

_Just then, Potter and his friends appeared out of nowhere. Severus did not know nor care how they had gotten there, but he seized his chance and forced the memories Potter needed to see in order to know what to do - and the ones Potter needed to see to believe him._

_"Take... it...Take... it..." he whispered._

_Potter, who Severus had clutched by the robes, seemed to understand him, and collected the memories which flooded from within him in a small flask._

_And then it was over. Severus had done everything he could, everything in his power to protect the boy, as he had promised. After devoting so many years of his life to keeping him safe ultimately at the expense of his own life, Severus rewarded himself by allowing himself to spend his remaining moment on earth exactly the way liked. Less than a second later, memories of Lily came flying to him from the depths of his mind._

_Lily hadn't been the last woman in Severus's life. He had eventually had others, some of who he had almost loved, but he had forgotten each and every one of them as his interest in them withered away. Lily was the only one who would not fall into oblivion. A lifetime later, thoughts of her still haunted him from time to time. She was still the only person who had ever understood him, the only one who had ever made him laugh, and the only one who had made him feel like he was free to be himself. Sometimes he had managed to go through whole months without thinking about her, but she always came back to him in his dreams and in his nightmares as vivid and vibrant as she had ever been. Something he saw reminded him of something she had said; something he did made him wish he could have shared the experience with her. Her absence felt heavier and heavier on his heart with every year that came between the present day and her death. _

_With her son attending Hogwarts, it had become exceedingly difficult for Severus to ignore the longing that could never be helped. Harry Potter, and his bothering resemblance to his mother which Severus refused to see, thrown against his face almost every day of the year. It would have killed Severus if the boy had realized that he was the result of the battle Severus had lost to James Potter, and thus Severus had done everything in his power to keep Lily out of his mind. But now he was finished, free to indulge himself as he pleased with no worry of what tomorrow might bring._

_"Look... at... me..." he said, and drowned himself in Potter's magnificent eyes - Lily's eyes - focusing in the green orbs until his vision failed him._

_And there it came: a whole montage of the only person he had ever loved. Lily, aged ten, running across the street on a sunny day. Lily swinging backwards and forwards with the wind beneath her red hair. Lily at the old bridge, throwing rocks in the river. Lily in the Great Hall, waving at him from the Gryffindor table. Lily jumping in the snow, challenging him into a snow fight. Lily laughing at their private joke during Potions, clowning around to make him smile. Lily telling him a secret she would not share with anyone else. Lily standing by the lake at dawn, looking sublimely beautiful. Lily talking, and Lily listening. Lily racing him down a grassy hilltop, choking in laughter. Lily standing up to him in front of everyone, ready to defend him against the world. Lily responding to his kiss in a bathroom. Lily naked in his bed, sleeping peacefully by his side. Lily on a cold winter's night, telling him she loved him. _

_Lily in his arms, where she always should have been. _

**- End -**

* * *

**A/N: **I wrote a draft of this story months ago as an immediate response to what I consider to be the most touching subplot of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, but I sort of forgot all about it until I rediscovered the draft last week and reworked it into this story. It was originally much angstier, but I got tired of Snape being so emo all the time that I kept making Lily funnier and funnier. It's still extremely melodramatic, but hey, I like melodrama, and it's not like Snape wasn't being any less of an obsessive drama queen in the actual books. Anyways, thank you for reading the story this far, and I hope you enjoyed it. I greatly appreciate feedback, so... amuse me with a review? 


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